Please bring me true love, great sex, personal & professional fulfillment, spiritual awakening & a huge pile of money.
I’m officially petitioning the Universe for a little bit of help on timing.
My milkshake doesn’t bring anyone anywhere.
And I need a yard.
and peace and goodwill to everybody.
At a minimum … be nice for 24 hours.
- Interested Man: So, you live in Maine?
- Me: Yes
- Interested Man: On purpose?
- Me: I suppose you could say that.
- Interested Man: Where in Maine do you live?
- Me: Portland
- Interested Man: Oh, Portland, the Paris of Maine.
- Me: We do serve escargot in several places.
- Interested Man: Isn't Portland in a valley covered by fog?
- Me: No, it's by the ocean. It's a port. I think that's how it got its name. Maybe.
- Interested Man: What's that thing you're holding?
- Me: It's a Samsung Galaxy Tab. Like an iPad. Except better.
- Interested Man: Can you use it in Maine? Do they have, like, the Internet there?
- Me: Yes. Electricity and phones too. Most days.
- Intersted Man: Well, you don't look like you're from Maine.
- Me: Ummmm, thanks?
- Interested Man: Wait, is that a squirrel playing the drums on your shirt?
- Me: Why yes, it is.
- Interested Man: I'll be you got that in Maine.
- Me: No, I got it at Barneys (laughing).
- Interested Man: Whatever. Do they recycle there?
- Me: In Maine or at Barneys? I'm pretty sure they recycle at Barneys.
- Interested Man: (frustrated) No, in Maine.
- Me: Yes, when we have electricity. We're pretty green.
- Interested Man: Oh, how boring.
- Me: (thinking to myself) As opposed to this conversation?
- Me (via text): Hey Dude, I'm on the Acela to NYC and I was thinking of you and Jennie and wondering if I can pick you up anything for Christmas in the "City of Dreams?"
- Josh (via text): we want a baby. make it a cleanish one.
And it all has to do with my reactions.